Let’s begin with my original review…

This review first appeared on my Facebook timeline about 2 years ago. It has been extended with extra witticisms, cynicisms and linksysisms. A bit like a director’s cut!

I saw 50 Shades of Grey last night (I know, I know I’m a sellout, I used to be cool blah blah blah) but for those of you that haven’t seen it let me pass on this helpful review type synopsis.

There’s this guy who looks like Emmet, from The Lego Movie, with a six pack. He’s a billionaire but it’s not clear how he amassed this money but judging by his big “Grey Tower” I think it was because he’s a master builder.


He meets this little whiny timid twerp, who has an annoying tick that manifests itself in the form of a lip bite, I think this is supposed to be a sexy thing but it quickly becomes annoying despite Legoheadman finding it arousing.

I can’t really remember anything that she said in the movie but she does like to breath heavily through her mouth all the time, bite her lip and just generally sound like a clichéd unintelligible berk.

They basically spend the first hour of the movie desperately trying to convince us that there is some sort of attraction and chemistry between them but ultimately failing.
At the same time as clunking their way through the awful script, Legoheadsixpackman seems to stalk Little Miss Whiny Vagina all over the place.
Instead of applying age old techniques such as romance, dinner, dates, flowers, gentlemanliness, whimsy and humour to woo said strumpet, Emmet Lego Head throws a bastard load of money at her, buying her a laptop and a car (and selling her old VW Beetle in the process, the man is clearly a cunt!) takes her gliding and flies to Seattle in his helicopter.seattle.jpg
After about an hour of this twattery, Emmet “I don’t make love, I fuck. Hard” (I fear this is a lie as everything he does in this movie points to him being the type of guy who runs to the bathroom to cry after sex) shows Little Miss Tiny Vagina his Red Room, where he’s taken his master buildery to new levels by creating sex swings, ceiling racks, whips and chains and handcuffs.

Most impressive of all is that it barely even looks like it’s made from Lego.

lego-red-room

Photo credit to Pinterest

Rather than casually invite her to try new things, she’s a virgin for fuck’s sakes just tell her this is how everyone has sex, there’s a massive contract written up which she has to sign before they can have sex.

It seems that the contract is a really big deal and they can’t have sex without it being signed but this seems to be forgotten when they are casually and recklessly having loads of timid missionary sex anyway.

They have a weird meeting thing to discuss the finer points of the contract over sushi and small talk.

The inclusion of sushi in this meeting makes me wonder just what people are discussing when I peer through the window of Yo! Sushi in Oxford! Could it be that Yo! Sushi is less of a “raw fish and rice with friends” type of place and more of a “car keys in a bowl isn’t daring enough, let’s discuss and sign contracts relating to anal sex and BDSM in a public place, over some squid and prawn eyes” type of place.

Anyway… Little Miss Lippy Bite has some of her own amendments to the contract.

“No anal fisting. No vaginal fisting either… what are butt plugs?” Oh just fuck off. This clearly isn’t going to work is it you pansyfied little no fun bore.

At this point any normal man in Legohead’s position would roll his eyes and ask:

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A FUCKING BUTT PLUG IS? THE ANSWER IS LITERALLY IN THE QUESTION!!

Anyway, Legoman has his own version of the Julia Roberts no kissing rule from Pretty Woman whereby he won’t sleep in the same bed as anyone, apart from about 75 minutes into the movie when it’s not such a big deal as he stays over at Thingy-Mo-Lips place after non-contractual sex (but it’s definitely, definitely only for that one night, because they argue about it later on, when staying at someone’s house for a post-non-contractual-sex sleepover is apparently a really big deal again.)

9afc7bba-8d6a-4c12-88e2-8d4a3af899b2_text.gif

If he has to go through this everytime he meets a girl no wonder he’s such a miserable little fucker with nothing in his life but press-ups, crunches and lift rides to the top of Trum… err… Grey Tower.

Mr. LegoAbs says that Timid Tina is not, I repeat NOT, allowed to touch him.

“Why?”I hear you ask.

Basically, his mum was a crack addict prostitute (or something), before she died when he was 4, so that fucked him up a little bit, and then his foster mum’s best friend bummed him with a dildo when he was 15, which made him build a sex room out of Lego.

Which seems wholly reasonable!

In between very well shot and directed sex scenes, there’s loads of whining and moaning and arguing and awkward dinners with parents and Rita Ora talking french (who would’ve thought that Rita Ora is a cunt in two languages?!)

Then the kicker near the end is Ticky McLipbite tells Legohead-on-a-sixpack to show her hard bad it can be. So Legoheadwhipinhandman pummels Little Miss Spank My Bum’s bum rather quite vigorously with a whip which makes her cry… and that is as bad as it gets apparently.

All of that master buildery, contract signing and sushi eating just for a voracious slapping.

I’m sure I got the slipper harder when I was a naughty 6 year old.

Then he’s not, I repeat NOT, allowed to touch her ever again. Ever.

Then she leaves… oh and I remember one thing she said

“Christian”

Lift door closes.

The end.

The sex scenes were very well directed, the sweeping scenary shots of the Seattle skyline were industrially pretty and the VW Beetle was easily the sexiest thing in the movie, but the script was awful, there was no sexual tension or chemistry between the leads and the story made no sense.

Before any of you blind happy clapping buffoons claim I am wrong on the above points, watch Secretary, where you’ll see genuine chemistry and tension between the lead actors, as well as a startling development of character (by Maggie Gyllenhaal) and an engaging and humourous script. Then you’ll realise just how poor this movie is but just how good it could’ve been.

Morris Hawk

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